The Assman Chronicles

I love food more than myself. Dedicated to ramen and tacos.

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Chapter 1: The Big Ooga Booga

It was big; it was hideous; it was jumpscary. The Big Ooga Booga was no longer confined in the screens people would watch Sr. Pelo videos on. No siree. Now, The Big Ooga Booga was roaming free, waiting patiently for an innocent bystander to scare the shit out of. All the while, the human population remained blissfully oblivious to their incoming fate.

However, there was one man who knew what was coming and who knew what to do. He had a glorious ass.

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Chapter 2: Assman Begins

Cue Assman. Gorgeous wavy hair, medium height, beautiful sparkly boots, and a raging moustache. A bisexual icon...

Oh, and of course, a beautiful, undeniably irresistible,  t h i c c  ass.

Anyhow, Assman has a keen sense of danger, partially because he grew up in a toxic environment and partially because he grew up in a toxic environment.

The physically toxic aspect of the environment he grew up in also gifted him with several other powers, some of them being the ability to tell if he is being lied to by staring into people's souls with his radioactive yellow-green eyes and the ability to thrive and survive long periods of time without nourishment, both very useful powers for someone with such a glorious ass. His luscious ass itself was also gifted with powers, including but not limited to instant hypnosis by utilizing the sheer potency of its mass and producing disastrous sonic booms by clapping his ass cheeks at unfathomable velocities. If he has an protein excess in his body of at least 69% of the daily nutritional value, he can instantly give people orgasms by squinting really hard and using his brain waves to temporarily hardwire heavenly sensations in people's nervous systems.

Enough with his long list of powers, anyhow; it simply cannot be finished! (similarly to approximately 54% of women, unfortunately.)

Assman, with his keen sense of danger, used his Asssenses to locate the whereabouts of this unnamed fiend. He was getting closer and closer; he could feel it. Oh, he was so close. And yet, it was only getting harder. If only his fat ass was more efficient...

But then there was sauce.

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Chapter 3: Assman VS. The Big Ooga Booga

That's right, there was sauce.

There in the alley where Assman just turned to, The infamous Big Ooga Booga was ghoulishly devouring some buffalo chicken wings he sneakily stole with some ketchup packets he found in a dumpster. The nasty buffalo ketchup sauce kept splattering from his mouth onto the floor in front of Assman, who was frankly more concerned than scared.

"Who are you, and what are you doing here?"

The Big Ooga Booga kept doggishly eating the chicken wings.

"No seriously, what are you doing?" Assman inquired. He was almost starting to wonder if his danger detection wasn't working correctly; this poor chap seemed like he belonged in a mental health facility, not a police station. Assman was in the middle of deciphering what he should do next when all of a sudden, The Big Ooga Booga yelled with that famous cry:

"OOGA BOOOOGAAAA"

Quite thoroughly startled, Assman leapt to presumable safety to the left of The Big Ooga Booga and decided to call an ambulance.

"Hello 911, what's your emergency?"

"Yes, hello, there is someone in front of me having a severe mental episode."

"Alright, and what are the person's symptoms?"

"A severe lack of concentration and the ability to communicate, as well as excessive shouting and twitchy and sudden movements."

"And where are you at?"

"420 Unoriginal Joke Avenue. In between the Ritz the Rat Raviolia and the Phantom Arcade."

"Thank you sir, an ambulance is on the way right now."

Assman hung up, and, much to his dismay, he realized that The Big Ooga Booga was no longer in front of him. In a fit of panic, Assman tensed his robust ass muscles to once again activate his Asssenses and find The Big Ooga Booga.

...To be continued!

This website apparently doesn't have room for too much text, so stay tuned for the rest of Assman's adventures with friends, foes, and everyone in between on Wattpad! Thanks for reading!^^

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